There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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