literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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