Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Randomize
