1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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