when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
