remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
