yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
