Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
