best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We had sex on a dog bed..
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
