Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
where are my eyebrows?
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