No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
