peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
