4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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