God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
