to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
