Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
