I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
