I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize