You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
