Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
