Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
