and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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