here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
