??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
