I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
