If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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