im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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