i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
