I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
