Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
