if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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