i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
