im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
