I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He felt like a one man threesome
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
