My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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