Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
