I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
