i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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