Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
