you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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