I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
