i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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