I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
