I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I cut my penus on the lid.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
