That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
