From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
