well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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