Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
