fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
