Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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