The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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